Total Film: Twilight - The Abridged Script

Ok, så den her er lidt intern, men den er sjov. Filmnørden får viden og inspiration fra nær og fjern, men en stensikker del af hans arsenal, er det engelske filmmagasin Total Film. De får hver måned hård konkurrence fra filmmagasinet Empire, men efter Filmnørdens mening er Total Film en tand federe. Ikke mindst på grund af deres tilbagevendende "abridged script"-sektion. Med deres egne ord, er det en service der er til for, at du netop IKKE behøver at gå ind og se den pågældende film, de har taget under kærlig manus-behandling. Det er sjovt! Filmnørden brækkede sig eksempelvis af grin, da han læste Rod Hiltons version af Twilight, fra februar-nummeret af Total Film. Og Twilight-fans: ta' det nu hverken alvorligt eller personligt...

TWILIGHT - THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART moves to FORKS, WASHINGTON and is INSTANTLY POPULAR at her new school.

ANNA KENDRICK
Oh my God, I love your hair. Will you be my new best friend?

GREGORY TYREE BOYCE
Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?

KRISTEN STEWART
I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular girl's daydreams get published into a bestselling book?

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. His paleness reaches blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theatre reach deafening levels.

KRISTEN STEWART
Who's the albino Wolverine?

ANNA KENDRICK
That's Robert. He's acknowledged as the hottest boy in the whole school but he doesn't date anyone ever because no girl is good enough for him.

KRISTEN STEWART
No girl is considered good enough for him, eh? Let's see if that's still the case in 10 minutes time!

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT.

KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, your eyes are changing colour from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?

ROBERT PATTINSON
I totally love you. But you should know, I'm a vampire. And not a badass vampire, but an emo bitch vampire.

KRISTEN STEWART
The only way I'll believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using '70s special effects.

He DOES.

KRISTEN STEWART
You are a vampire! How old are you?

ROBERT PATTINSON
Over a hundred, but I've spent most of that time working on my hair.

They GAZE into each other's eyes forever. Eventually, KRISTEN goes to meet ROBERT'S FAMILY.

INT. GLASS MANSION

KRISTEN meets ROBERT'S VAMPIRE FAMILY.

PETER FACINELLI
Welcome! Don't let my effeminate appearance mislead you. There must be something special about you for Robert to risk the lives of his family. Tell us about yourself.

KRISTEN STEWART
Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for the teenage girls in the audience. What do you guys do for fun?

PETER FACINELLI
Vampire baseball. Want to watch?

KRISTEN STEWART
Actually the very last thing on earth any sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which is as stupid as it sounds. The game attracts some EVIL VAMPIRES. They ATTACK KRISTEN, but ROBERT and his FAMILY save her.

INT. HOSPITAL

KRISTEN is with ROBERT. ROBERT PATTINSON
I think we should break up. To keep you safe.

KRISTEN STEWART
From vampires?

ROBERT PATTINSON
No, from being typecast forever.

KRISTEN STEWART
No, I want you to make me a vampire.

ROBERT PATTINSON
So, the next generation of young women is flocking to see a female lead in a movie
by a female director from a book by a female author and in this movie the main
character wants to become submissive for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART
I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON
At least the next three movies can't possibly be more misogynistic.

They WILL BE.

- THE END -

Total Film kan købes i de fleste velassorterede kiosker for ca. 80-90 kr. Alternativt kan du checke deres informative hjemmeside ud her: www.totalfilm.com. And if any Total Film-employee is reading this, thinking that I'm blatantly stealing your material, you're absolutely right, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm only doing it, to get you a few new readers. All hail Total Film!

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